well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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