I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
