I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
