why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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