maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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