he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
