that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
