if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Pants are for mortals
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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