Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
