So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
