It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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