He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
