don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
