no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize