awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
