I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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