I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
