You smell like a Billy Joel song
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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