I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my sisters under your porch take her home
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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