You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
