4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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