I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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