What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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