just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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