I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
