I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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