Whatcha textin bout Willis?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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