He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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