Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
