Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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