those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
