There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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