If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
