my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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