dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
