Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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