How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
