Betty ford says i'm here all night
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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