I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
