Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
