fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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