made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
How naked do you want me to be?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
