they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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