I think my fart just growled at me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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