I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize