so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
