We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
