when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
