Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Oh god it's open bar.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
