I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
