I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
whose parrot is this?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
