he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
