I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
