Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
