Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You ate ashes out of my bong
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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