im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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