You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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